Triangle at Rhodes opens at Whitehaven Mansions, home of the illustrious Hercule Poirot. But, alas, Poirot is not in attendance as the mailman is informed by the doorman as he attempts to deliver letters on a lovely English day. Which is to say, a very rainy day. It turns out that neither Hastings or Miss Lemon are around either. Hastings has gone off shooting things (Fuck Off, Hastings!) and Miss Lemon has gone to visit her sister, an endeavour that we can assume does not involve killing innocent creatures. (Actually, Miss Lemon's sister will feature prominently in a future episode). Poirot, for his part, has gone off "somewhere foreign".
Well, that narrows it down!
Fortunately, the title of the episode does narrow it down. Poirot has gone off to Rhodes. You know, Triangle at Rhodes is one of my favourite episodes; I must have watched it dozens of times. And, yet, I never actually knew where Rhodes was. I'd always assumed it was an island somewhere close to Italy, but I thought for this recap I should probably actually find out. So, a quick trip to Wikipedia and...much to my surprise, I discover that Rhodes is actually a Greek Island. However, a closer look reveals that, during the time in which this episode takes place, Rhodes was under Italian control. So, I wasn't entirely wrong. But given that my real world job actually requires a fair knowledge of geography, I was wrong enough.
Anyway, in the next scene we are introduced to Rhodes, where the rest of the episode will take place. We are also introduced to our Hastings substitute for this episode: a thirtysomething English woman named Pamela Lyall. Pam. sigh Fucking Pam. If ever there was a character who makes me appreciate Hastings, it's Pam, who is, to put it mildly, a huge fucking bitch. Which I could handle, except that the episode doesn't treat her like a bitch. It's clear that we the audience are supposed to like Pam and it is actually possible to do so on a first viewing. But after you've watched the episode multiple times, as I have, you begin to see what a horrible person she truly is. Horrible and kind of stupid. Whereas Hastings is just stupid.
When we first see Pam, she is pushing her way through the crowded market streets of Rhodes, fleeing from a middle-aged man. A teenaged local girl helps her find her way into the nearly deserted back alleys, where she eventually runs straight into Poirot. It turns out she recognized him at the hotel where they are both staying and is a great admirer. She takes him by the arm.
Pam: May I cling to you, Mr. Poirot?
Like a fucking remora.
Poirot asks if Pam is in danger, not realizing that he's the one who's attached himself to a fucking psychopath. It turns out that Pam is escaping the attentions of a Major Barnes, the middle-aged man we saw earlier. He comes out into the alleyway behind Pam and Poirot just in time to see them walking off and cheefully waves after them with his hat. He's balding and rather dopey looking. Pam is afraid of getting stuck with him for the entire holiday and clearly considers him a colossal nuisance.
BTW, did I mention Pam is stupid?
At any rate, she's out of danger for the moment as Barnes replaces his hat and--with a far less dopey expression--goes off in the opposite direction. According to Pam he's "here for the fishing." But, rather than go towards the ocean, he enters a building, rather surepticiously, I might add.
Meanwhile, Pam and Poirot continue walking together.
Poirot: The behaviour of the English abroad is something I have always found peculiar.
Because their behaviour at home is so normal? Actually, given that Poirot is talking to an Englishwoman, that comment is rather rude. Of course, given that the woman in question is Pam, I think we can let it pass.
Pam and Poirot see a group of blackcoats harassing the locals. Yay, historical context! Pam mentions that they are troublemakers, which...duh!
Poirot: But for me the English is more cold-blooded. His violence is more calculated.
Yeah, I'll remember that in a few years when WWII breaks out. Also, show? I know I'm watching a murder mystery, you can lay off the heavy-handed foreshadowing.
Next we turn to the coast, where some of those cold-blooded English have just arrived by boat. Two couples, one of which takes both the cars sent by the hotel--for them and their luggage--forcing the other couple to wait at the docks for the cars to return.
Charming, really.
Pam and Poirot arrive back at the hotel, just as the couple with both cars is arriving. Pam recognizes the woman as Valentine Chantry, formerly Dacres, formerly God knows what else, since she's apparently been married 5 times. We don't learn anything else about her; as near as I can tell, she's famous for being married. A lot. At any rate, Pam seems to think that the Chantries' arrival will make the holiday more interesting. Because she is Pam. And everything is about her.
Just then, Pam and Poirot are accosted by good old Major Barnes who runs up to them.
Major Barnes: I've been looking all over the place for you, little lady.
Well, she's not hard to find, dude. Just follow the sound of moronic blather and barely concealed psychopathy.
Pam: Not out fishing today, Major?
I doubt if it would be possible for her to say that in a snottier tone. However, since Major Barnes addressed her as "little lady," I'm actually willing to giver her a pass on that one. People who call me "little lady" are lucky if all they receive in return is a little snottiness.
It turns out that Major Barnes has been out fishing, but without any luck.
Poirot: Perhaps, Major Barnes, you are fishing too close to the shore. I noticed you by the harbour.
Yeah, Poirot's no fool.
Major Barnes allows as to how that might be the case, since the local fishermen use dynomite, which scares the fish off.
You know, it might scare Pam off if you used some near her. Just a thought.
The three of them then go inside the hotel, where we next see Poirot in his room getting dressed in formal clothes. I assume it's for dinner, since it's now getting dark out. From his window, he sees the second couple from the docks who are now finally arriving at the hotel. The male half of the couple is clearly fed up with the situation (not that I blame him) as he is snapping at the porters about his luggage and bitching to his wife about the length and discomfort of their trip. It turns out that coming to Rhodes was entirely the wife's idea as the husband seems to think they could have had an equally pleasant vacation in England.
I can only assume he enjoys swimming in the rain.
The next day finds the English people enjoying the most decidedly unrainy beach. I have to admit, even I find the sparkling water appealing and I'm not much of a sun and sand type person. Give me a rainy moor and a cosy pub any day of the week. But the Rhodes seashore does look enchanting.
Valentine Chantry is sunbathing and being as useless and demanding as humanly possible. She has her latest husband--Tony--dancing attendance on her in the most pathetic way. And she's a smoker.
Watching her from a little ways off down the beach, Pam complains about how how Valentine's perfect tan makes her feel "undercooked." Ah, the days before melanoma.
Just then the second new couple arrives on the beach and Pam makes a particularly catty comment about the wife's bathing outfit, which, in all fairness is pretty awful. The couple greet Pam and Poirot cheerfully as they set up their chairs near the water. The wife comments that coming to Rhodes was such an excellent idea of her husband's, which causes Poirot to look at her askance. The husband says he'd scarcely heard of the place and he seems to have had as good an idea of its location as I had.
The wife decides that now is a good time for a swim. She asks her husband--who is named Douglas--to join her, but he has been distracted by a whole new type of view: Valentine Chantry. Mrs. Chantry eyes Douglas as he does some rather obtrusive stretching, then sends her husband back to the hotel to fetch her something. Meanwhile, Douglas' wife, wearing a sensible, but thoroughly unsexy bathing cap, has entered the water and is raving about how lovely and warm it is. As someone who grew up by the ocean, but a most distinctly northern part of it, this is something I have a hard time imagining. A dip in the water might be refreshing on a hot day, but warm it is not, even at the height of August.
Pam asks Douglas if he's going to go in the water.
Douglas: Oh, I like to get well hotted up first.
Well, no worries about that with Valentine Chantry around. Though why he's so taken with her I can't imagine as she's currently struggling with the concept of getting the lid off a bottle of nailpolish.
Valentine: Oh dear, I can't get this thing undone, I'm hopeless.
Yes, yes you are.
Both Poirot and Douglas get up to help her, but Douglas is quicker.
Valentine: I'm such a fool at undoing things.
Oh, I'd say something's undone, alright. And Valentine Chantry is hardly the fool here. Well, not the only one, anyway.
Valentine is laying it on pretty thick in her gratitude towards Douglas when her husband returns. The two men shake hands and we learn that Douglas' wife is called Marjorie and their last name is Gold.
Pam and Poirot observe the interaction.
Pam: Don't you think that human beings tend to reproduce certain patterns, Mr. Poirot?
She draws a triangle in the sand. And Poirot agrees with her. Though it seems that in this case, we have more of a quadrangle. But Quadrangle at Rhodes would make a stupid title, so there you have it.
Some time later, a group of tourists, including Douglas and Valentine, are on a walking tour. When Valentine asks Douglas about his wife, he informs her that Marjorie wasn't feeling well, so he came alone.
Valentine: Well, we'll just have to make the best of it on our own.
And she gives the most insipid little laugh.
Meanwhile, at an archeological dig in some ruins elsewhere on the island, Poirot runs into Marjorie, looking quite healthy. She tells him that she and Douglas had arranged to go on a tour together, but somehow managed to miss each other. Well, isn't that a heck of a coinkydink? Marjorie then goes on in the most maudlin fashion about how all the divorce and trouble in the world make her feel so greatful for her own happiness and so sorry for people who aren't happy. People like whom, you might ask. Why, people like Valentine Chantry of course!
Marjorie: I mean, in spite of all her money and good looks, she's the sort of woman, I think, that men would get tired of very easily.
Yeah, no bitterness there. Personally, I'd take money and good looks over men any day. Plus, I don't know what good looks she's talking about, since I don't find Valentine Chantry very attractive. I mean, no offense to the actress, but she's really rather blah. Of course, this show is always doing this: telling us a character is attractive, while showing her to be entirely average.
I have to say, though, that I think Marjorie is probably right about the shelf life of Valentine Chantry's allure. Hell, I've known her all of five minutes and I'm tired of her.
Later, Poirot is sitting outside at the hotel when Valentine and Douglas return, looking very chummy. Valentine informs Douglas that she absolutely must have a pink gin and he goes off to get it. I've never had a pink gin, which I suppose makes sense as it is apparently a very British drink. I have to say, though, that it does sound rather refreshing. It is also, I would note, a very girly sounding drink.
Just then, Tony Chantry and Pam return. Valentine greets them merrily, but Tony marches right past her and into the hotel. Quite taken aback, Valentine follows, calling after him. It's the first time since we've seen her that she's appeared less than confident. But then Douglas comes out with her drink and the two of them go off together.
Pam watches all this and then sits down with Poirot.
Pam: Valentine certainly has her methods.
Poirot: Mademoiselle, I do not like all this.
Pam: Don't you? Nor do I. No, let's be honest, I suppose I do like it really.
SHUT THE FUCK UP, PAM!
Actually, I suppose I should give her credit for honesty, here. Most of us would probably enjoy such a spectacle, but few of us would have the guts to come out and admit it. Of course, it helps that Pam is a sociopath and has no shame.
Then it turns out that Pam is enjoying the love quadrangle so much that she has arranged an excursion with all the principle actors for the next day. That's just kind of loathesome. Though, admittedly, if I was at that hotel, I'd probably tag along.
So, the next thing we see, the hotel guests are climbing up a steep set of stone steps set into a high hill. One of the men--I think it's Tony Chantry--complains about having driven two hours and climbed the hill just to see another ruin.
Pam: But wait till you see the view!
Personally, I prefer the view from my couch.
Needless to say, Douglas is helping Valentine up the stairs--she's wearing the most inappropriate shoes for such an expedition. At the top, he pokes his head into a chapel and crosses himself, as one does. Poirot then does the same. Huh, I suppose Poirot would be Catholic, wouldn't he.
Outside, admiring the view, Pam spots a viper.
Pam: Look! Look! A snake!
A friend of yours, my dear?
Marjorie comments that it's beautiful, while Valentine--for once the sensible one of the lot--says that she doesn't like it there and wants to go back. Tony notes that it's not safe to walk around.
Pam: They're everywhere. In the old days, Rhodes was known as the Island of Snakes.
What? I'm sorry, I meant WHAT!!??
You took your vacation in a place called The Island of Snakes!? Where are you going next year, the Island of Funnel-Web Spiders? Oh wait, that's Australia.
Marjorie, leaning closer to the snake rather than running screaming into the night like any sensible person would do, notes how clearly one can see the markings. Poirot claims that nature has done this on purpose, to give the snake's prey a chance to identify it. Huh, it looks to me as though the snake blends in very well with its surroundings. But Poirot is actually making a rather heavy-handed point.
Poirot: If every killer was as clearly marked, I would be without a job.
Marjorie seems to find this highly amusing.
Later the group sits down for a meal at a rustic restaurant. The British seem determined to be the most obnoxious tourists imaginable. Valentine Changry complains that she can't read the menu, Tony Chantry complains about the wine, comparing it scathingly with pink gin and Marjorie Gold decides out of nowhere to go on a rant about divorce.
Marjorie: Well, I belong to the old-fashioned generation that doesn't believe in divorce. The sort of attitude there is to life nowadays that if you do a thing and you don't like it, you get yourself out of it as quickly as possible. Easy marriage, easy divorce. I hate that!
As it happens, I'm in complete agreement with her. However, even I would probably have enough tact not to say it in front of a woman who's on her fifth marriage!
Valentine looks a little put out, but its her husband who reads Marjorie the riot act. Marjorie stutters out an apology, then runs off. Douglas then calls out Tony for upsetting his wife and the two of them get into a shouting match over Douglas' supposed infatuation with Valentine.
Throughout this whole thing, Valentine doesn't say a single word, just sits there smoking with a blank look on her face. Dear Lord, I wish they would give this woman a personality!
Fortunately, the waiter arrives to take their order. Poirot orders--and I swear I am not making this up--"the bowels in spit." Yeah, I don't think there's anything I can add to that. Nobody else orders anything, they just sit there glaring. Way to kill the mood, Marjorie.
Eventually, Poirot goes to find Marjorie, who is standing on the rocks a short ways from the restaurant, staring out at the sea. Poirot tells her that her husband loves her, but she insists that all he can see is Valentine and he doesn't even think of her anymore.
Poirot: Then my advice to you, Madam, is this: leave this place before it is too late.
Marjorie: Too late? What do you mean? You're frightening me.
Poirot: Yes, that is my intention.
Marjorie: But, why? Why?
Poirot: It is my advice to you: leave this island if you value your life.
Well, it doesn't get anymore straight forward than that. When Poirot tells you to leave a place or your're going to die, you fucking well leave!
The next thing we see, Poirot is taking his own advice and arranging to check out of the hotel. Poirot decides that he will have a light meal before he leaves and is informed that Major Barnes has provided the kitchen with some fresh fish.
Major Barnes: Catch them unawares, first thing in the morning.
Everyone in the vicinity looks at him like he's an idiot.
Poirot is in his room bitching at the maid for not packing his suitcase to his satisfaction--hey, asshole, if you don't like how she's doing it, pack it your damn self!--when he sees Marjorie and Pam through the window. So apparently Marjorie is not heeding his advice. Instead, she is spilling out her sorrows to Pam--great choice, there, really--telling her that Douglas is so infatuated with Valentine Chantry that he wants a divorce.
For reasons completely passing understanding, Poirot decides to spend the rest of his time on the island with Pam and the two of them sit at a table near the beach. Pam can't believe that he's leaving just as things are getting really heated up between the Chantries and the Golds. Hey, Pam, not everyone takes such great pleasure in other people's misfortune. Needless to say, Pam spills everything that Marjorie told her about the impending end of her marriage.
Pam: Who could have predicted such passion, Mr. Poirot?
Oh, shut the fuck up, Pam!
Unfortunately for Pam, she and Poirot then spot the two couples on the beach and they're...making up!? Yep, Tony and Douglas agree that they're being silly and ruining the vacation for everyone. Then they shake hands and the two couples go back to the hotel together. Needless to say, Pam is disappointed.
Pam: I was half hoping there'd be a murder, so you would stay.
FUCK OFF AND DIE, PAM!!!
You do not joke about murder around Hercule Poirot! Hell, you should not even think about murder around Hercule Poirot. In fact, come to think of it, if you see Hercule Poirot, you should run screaming into the night because there's bound to be a murder and if you're not the one planning it, then you're likely to be either the victim or the innocent bystander who gets falsely accused. And if you are planning a murder and you see Hercule Poirot, for God's sake, put your plans on hold. And if you have ever in the past committed a murder and gotten away with it, get away from him immediately because he will find you out. Basically, Poirot is the Typhoid Mary of murder and everyone on Earth should avoid him.
Of course, Pam has managed to insinuate herself into the role of sidekick, which means--unfortunately for the viewer--she's probably safe. Probably. She's still an idiot and a sociopath.
Anyway, it seems that everyone is sincere in their desire to start getting along as we soon see Marjorie and Valentine--and Pam, sigh--laughing and taking pictures at some ruins--the temple of Apollo, as it will later be revealed. I think Valentine might even be showing some personality here, but the whole thing is shot from a distance and the women are mostly in silhouette, so it's hard to say.
Back at the hotel, Douglas and Tony are playing pool--or billiards, I suppose the English would say--as Poirot looks on.
Major Barnes comes up to Poirot to comment favourably on the lessening of tensions and to express his regret at Poirot's intending departure. Poirot compliments him on the fish he provided for dinner, then asks him where he bought it.
Major Barnes: What do you mean? Had to go a long way out for that.
Poirot: No, no, no, no, Major. Your interests are closer to the shore.
It turns out that the Italians have been strengthening their defenses in the harbour, likely for military reasons.
Major Barnes: You have very sharp eyes, Mr. Poirot.
Poirot: The sharp eyes are important in both our professions, Major.
Well, way to put British security at risk, Poirot! Maybe you could say that a little louder, I think there might be an Italian on the other side of the hotel who didn't hear you!
Actually, the rather dowdy and silly looking Major Barnes is probably a
pretty accurate version of a spy. We're so used to seeing spies in tv
and the movies as beautiful and glamorous, but of course those are the
types of people who stick out in a crowd. As I understand it, real
spies are usually the most mundane looking and unassuming people you
could ever hope to meet. And Barnes was smart enough to get Miss Nosey
Rosey Pam to actively avoid him, by pretending to be interested in her.
But what does Poirot care? His car arrives and he leaves. Wait. He's leaving and nobody's dead? That's....new.
Back inside the hotel, Douglas and Tony finish their game of pool and join Major Barnes for a drink. Tony orders a pink gin, which....what? Seriously? That's like the girliest drink ever. I'm all for men getting in touch with their feminine sides, but even I would look askance at any guy who ordered that. And Tony does not strike me as the type of guy who would go for a girly drink under any circumstances. The other two guys order whiskey and sodas, which are much more in character.
A few minutes later, as Major Barnes is boring the living crap out of Douglas Gold, the three women come in, all raving about the wonderful time they've been having. Tony asks the women what they want to drink. Pam orders a sidecar, once again sending me to wikipedia. It turns out a sidecar is a type of brandy cocktail. I'll say one thing for this episode, it's giving me a list of drinks to try next time I go out. Marjorie orders an orange-ade, because apparently she thinks she's in pre-school. She eventually bows to peer pressure and changes it to a gin and gingerbeer, much to her husband's consternation. Yeah, you've got a real wild woman there, Douglas. What's next, going out for a walk without a sweater?
When Tony asks Valentine what she wants to drink, she replies, "pink gin," in a tone of voice that implies that anyone on Earth should know the answer. Well, anyone watching the episode certainly should. Tony tells her to take his and that he'll order another. Valentine immediately takes a large sip.
Valentine: Ooh, I needed that!
Not to get all spoilery, but I'm going to have to disagree. Though it is nice to actually see some personality coming from her.
Valentine continues to sip her drink as the others talk. She coughs.
Meanwhile, Poirot is trying to get through passport control at the docks. It's chaotic to say the least. When he finally to gets to the front of the line, he's pulled aside. Uh oh, random cavity search?
Back at the hotel, Valentine's cough is getting worse and she's trying to cure it with a cigarette, but she can't seem to get the bloody thing lit. Then Pam comes over and insists on talking to her, which naturally only makes the situation worse. Valentine starts choking quite badly and asking for water. Everyone gathers around her. She mentions that her drink tasted queer. Then why the Hell, did you chug it back the way you did? The water finally arrives, but she can't get it down.
Pam: Who knows what to do!?
Major Barnes: I'll get a doctor.
Yeah, I'm going to file that one under Duh!
Valentine continues choking and, honestly, this scene would be quite distressing--you don't normally have to watch the murder victim die slowly and painfully--but it's hampered by the fact that Valentine has displayed so little personality. I don't feel as though I ever really got to know her, so it's hard to get too upset about her death, though it is unpleasant to watch.
Her husband, however, is upset and he knows just where to direct his anger.
Tony Chantry: That was my drink, Gold. I'd not touched it. What the Hell did you put in it?
Before a doctor can get there, Valentine is dead. Her husband accuses Douglas of killing her while trying to kill him.
Tony Chantry: I'll see you hanged for this, Gold! I'll see you hanged for this!
Well, yes that was the punishment of the day for murder.
Douglas stammers out a denial while his wife looks on, aghast.
Meanwhile, Pam has had perhaps the first good idea of her entire life and has rushed off to the docks to find Poirot. Unfortunately, as she gets there, she sees the boat sailing off. But then she hears yelling.
Poirot: I have told you again, and again: I am on holiday!
It turns out that the authorities suspect Poirot of being a spy--which is rather ironic, when you think about it--and have detained him so long that he missed his sailing. Completely oblivious to her friend's precarious situation, Pam runs up to him and immediately starts blathering out the story of Valentine Chantry's untimely demise.
Poirot: I feared such an outcome.
Pam: Then why didn't you do something!?
Poirot: Do what? What is there to do before the event? Tell the police that someone has murder in their heart?
Fair point. Of course, if I was Poirot, I would just assume that no one would be stupid enough to commit murder when I was around. And, in all fairness, the murderer in this case did wait until Poirot had left; it was just dumb luck that he wasn't safely at sea by the time Valentine Chantry died.
Anyway, Poirot agrees to accompany Pam back to the hotel. And, strangely, the authorities who suspect him of being a spy just let him go. Geez, no wonder the Italians lost the war.
The next day finds Poirot visitng Douglas Gold in jail. The two discuss Douglas' interaction with Valentine Chantry.
Douglas: Oh, I was attracted to her. Who wouldn't be?
Um, me? Anyone with a lick of taste or common sense? Seriously, dude, your wife was right: a month with her and you would have been bored silly.
Douglas insists that his attraction to Valentine was "within the bounds of propriety," whatever that means. In my experience, it means whatever the person claiming it wants it to mean. He also reveals that Valentine was unhappy in her marriage. You mean the fifth time wasn't the charm? According to Douglas, Valentine was afraid of her husband who was jealous of anyone who showed her any attention. So, I guess that's why she made a point of flirting with every man in sight. Douglas insists that he wanted to protect poor, helpless (ie. useless) Valentine.
Douglas: But, somehow, everything got out of hand. Chantry behaving like a bull at a gate, then Marjorie getting hysterical.
Normally, I'd call him out for the inherent sexism of a man calling a woman "hysterical." But, in this case, he kind of has a point.
Poirot asks Douglas if he loves his wife, and of course he says he does. Even if he didn't, now would be a pretty stupid time to admit it. Poirot then asks him if he is a Catholic, which is a pretty odd question, given the circumstances. I'm not saying it's not important to know, but it doesn't exactly seem relevant. When Douglas answers yes--yay Douglas!--Poirot tells him that his faith will console him. Well, yes, that's what faith is meant to do, but I think an acquittal would be a greater comfort to him just now. Actually, Poirot tells him that he does not intend to let him hang, so...faith in God and faith in Poirot, I suppose.
Poirot's quest to free Douglas Gold does not get off to a good start. He goes to see the investigator in the case, who is quite convinced of Gold's guilt. In all fairness, he does have some pretty good evidence. The poison came from an empty bottle, which was found in Douglas Gold's dinner jacket pocket. Not only that, but Douglas' fingerprints--and only Douglas' fingerprints--were found on the bottle. The investigator is quite convinced that Douglas was having an affair with Valentine and since her husband would never give her up, Douglas tried to poison him and killed Valentine by accident.
Poirot points out that since the police had Douglas empty his own pockets, it is hardly surprising that his fingerprints ended up on the bottle. He also suggests that it is unlikely that a murderer as calculating as the investigator believes Douglas to be would leave the empty bottle in his pocket in the first place.
Investigator: There is no doubt, Senor. When the cold-blooded Englishman comes out into the sun, perhaps it warms his passion.
And addles his brains?
Back at the hotel, Tony Chantry wants to leave the country, but the people at the hotel have been instructed by the police to hold his passport. Marjorie Gold comes downstairs just as Poirot enters. She tries to apologize to Chantry, but...well let's just say Emily Post never covered this particular situation. It's awkward as Hell. She then tells Poirot that she wishes she had taken his advice. Tony, of course, wants to know what advice she's talking about so she tells him that Poirot advised her to leave the island.
Tony: Then I wish you had warned me also, Mr. Poirot.
Look, he's not bloody Cassandra! The guy was on vacation.
Poirot assures Marjorie that her husband is innocent and will soon be released. She and Tony seem equally stunned by this pronouncement.
Marjorie goes off, supposedly to visit Douglas in jail, and Poirot sits out on the hotel terrace with Pam and Major Barnes, both of whom want to know what in the blazes is going on. Poirot just repeats his assertion that Douglas Gold is innocent.
Pam: But that means that one of us poisoned the glass.
I vote Pam. Who's with me?
According to Poirot, the only way to find the murderer is to find the source of the poison, but that's going to be a bit of a problem since the police are convinced the case is solved. Not only have they stopped investigating, but they won't give Poirot any assistance in his investigation. Fortunately, Major Barnes comes to the rescue.
Major Barnes: I trust I may speak among friends?
Dude, it's Pam. Pam! She's no one's friend! It wouldn't surprise me if she committed the murder just to spice up her vacation! And you're going to reveal you secret identity to her!? I swear, you must be the worst fucking spy on the entire planet!
Anyway, Major Barnes reveals that the forensic officer is a friend of his. And he sends Poirot off to see him.
The forensic officer's place turns out to be behind the door we saw Major Barnes sneaking into at the beginning of the episode....when he was supposed to be out fishing. Frankly, the inside looks more like an apothecary's shop then any forensic office I've ever seen. CSI, it most definitely is not. Turns out the forensic officer is a British ex-pat who came out on vacation and never left. Huh, sort of like Valentine Chantry. What? Too soon?
Anyway, it turns out that the poison is a local concoction. It's snakebite, taken from the fangs of the horned viper.
Forensic Officer: The island is still full of superstition.
Fuck superstition, the island is still full of snakes!
This particular poison cannot be bought from a pharmacist--pharmacists sell poison?--so the forensic officer suggests that Pam and Poirot search the streets for a local "herbalist or quack."
Actually, the first thing they encounter on the street is a crowd of blackshirts marching by, much to the disgust of the locals. Seriously, I love the historical relevance of this episode!
Pam: There are so many streets. Where do we begin?
Poirot: Mademoiselle, we must now appear the mad English who go out in the midday sun.
You may be mad, dude, but last time I checked, you were a Belgian.
So, the two of them wander through the streets, randomly asking people where they might procure some poison, which is an activity likely to get you arrested round about my parts. It's also pretty funny since Pam, doesn't speak a word of the local tongue.
Finally, Pam is spotted by the teenage girl who helped her escape from Major Barnes at the beginning of the episode. The girl follows her for a moment, then catches her eye and motions to her. Pam and Poirot follow the girl to a residence, but only Pam is allowed in. Oh yeah, bring the one who doesn't speak the language. Inside, they find a blind old lady; I'm assuming the girl's grandmother.
Hilarity--the non-funny kind--then ensues as Pam tries to get the old woman to understand what she wants: she doesn't want to buy any poison--well, not today anyway--she wants to know if anyone else did. The old woman naturally doesn't speak any English and the teenage girl seems to speak about three words so Pam uses the tried and true tactic of speaking English very loudly and slowly in the assumption that this will allow them to understand her.
Eventually it is revealed that the poison was purchased by an English lady--Marjorie Gold. Pam runs outside to tell Poirot, who is--of course--entirely unsurprised. Pam wants to know why Marjorie would help her husband try to murder Tony Chantry.
Poirot: My dear Mademoiselled Pamela, it is not a question of who failed to murder the Commander Chantry, but who, and for what reason, succeded in murdering his wife.
Yes, as a general rule, it's a good idea to assume that the person who died was the actual target.
Back at the hotel, Poirot and Pam discover that Tony and Marjorie have stolen their passports and run off.
As they set out after them, Poirot explains to Pam that she was right about the love triangle, but wrong about the main players. After all, they never actually saw anything happen between Douglas and Valentine, it was only the reactions of Tony and Marjorie that made it seem like there was something inappropriate going on. In truth, it was Marjorie and Tony who were having the affair. I still maintain that that's a love quadrangle, but whatever. Tony and Marjorie planned to meet on the island to commit their murder/frame job. Tony Chantry poisoned his own drink and then gave it to his wife. Hence the thoroughly out of character pink gin. Then, in the confusion following Valentine's death, he slipped the bottle of poison into Douglas' pocket. Kind of risky, really. What if Valentine had demanded a fresh drink? Or what if one of the other women had talked her into trying something other than her usual drink. Of course, in any murder there are always a dozen things that could go wrong. Still, this whole set-up seems absurdly complicated to me. If I ever murder someone, I shall be sure to keep it simple.
Pam and Poirot arrive at the docks and set about searching for Tony and Marjorie. Once again, Major Barnes comes to their aid. He pulls up to the docks after yet another "fishing" trip and tells them that he saw Tony and Marjorie on a fishing boat heading towards Turkey. Pam and Poirot join Barnes on his boat and take off after them. Ah, the requisite chase scene. At least a boat chase is a bit of a change up.
Pam asks Poirot how he knew that Marjorie Gold was a fake. It turns out that Poirot's suspicions were aroused when Marjorie said that Douglas wanted a divorce, since he had already deduced that Douglas was a Catholic. Um...Poirot...Catholics do get divorced. Even back in the 1930s, I'm sure it happened. And if a man becomes completely infatuated with a woman, that might override any religious convictions, at least temporarily. Besides which, your only evidence that Douglas was Catholic was that you saw him cross himself at the temple. Yeah, that's pretty clear evidence that he was raised Catholic, but not that he was still practicing. All in all, a pretty flimsy excuse for deduction.
Just as the boat with Poirot, Pam and Major Barnes is catching up to the boat of Tony and Marjorie, the Rhodes police also show up. We never get any explanation about how they knew to be there. Maybe they were just out fishing? Tony Chantry tries to attack Poirot's boat with dynamite, but the police shoot him (non-fatally).
Investigator: You crazy English! If you do not stop trying to kill each other, I shall put you all under arrest! That includes you, Senor Poirot!
Yeah, tourists suck. But, once again, Poirot is a Belgian. I wonder if he likes being mistaken for English better than being mistaken for French.
Anyway, that seems to be the end of that. I guess the Rhodes police finally got things figured out, because the next thing we see, it's evening and Douglas Gold is moping along the beach by the hotel as Pam and Poirot watch him from the veranda. Pam comments that he has decided to stay and finish off his vacation, which MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL! Though, I suppose, in all fairness, he probably doesn't feel he has much to go back home to. And imagine all the questions he's going to have to answer! Friends, family...ugh! Perhaps he should just run off. But staying on the island where his wife tried to frame him for murder is weird. Poirot agrees with me.
Poirot: Well, he should leave. I told his wife to leave, but she took no notice.
Well, yeah, she had a murder to commit! Busy, busy, busy.
Pam wants Poirot to stay a few more days, but he claims it's impossible. And, really, if I was a guest at that hotel, I'd want him to get the Hell out before anyone else dropped dead. Unless it was Pam. For her, I'd make an exception.
Pam: I really enjoyed our little adventure.
Yes, I'm so glad that someone could die and someone else could have his life ruined just for your amusement.
Inside the hotel, they run into Major Barnes, who Poirot notes will soon be off to Abyssinia for the ostrich shooting seaosn because whoever wrote this episode seriously knows their interwar-period history.
Outside, Pam and Poirot say their final goodbyes as he gets into his car.
Pam: I hope we shall meet again.
Thankfully for the sake of my sanity, she never appears again in the series.
BTW, if you're interested, there really is an "island of snakes": http://www.atlasobscura.com/places/snake-island-ilha-de-queimada-grande
I sincerely hope Pam takes her next vacation there.
